Rumour Mill

A collection of rumours and myths surrounding the players, followers and legends of TSJCC. Some of what you are about to read is true, other parts are complete fabrication. What is true, and what is not? YOU decide!

The club is set to launch a new counselling service for anyone distressed by events during a match. Our sympathetic team will be spearheaded by Kieran Coe and Al Vernon.

Club developments planned for early 2027 include a members lounge, new artifical match facilities, and the Richard Peacock Chainsaw Museum.

Si Marsh has reported positive progress in efforts to get Prince's classic hit renamed "Purple, Purple Rain".

Rowdy Yates has answered intense speculation as to what exactly he has been sticking up his jumper each week: "It's a different object every week - items next year will include a beach ball, a coffee maker, and the entire DVD box set of Harry Potter."

James Peacock is to be sponsored by BP diesel supplies as he's covered approximately 1.4 million miles on the mower since 2020; his dad was stood in a 10 foot ditch near the pavilion the entire time.

Irony is clearly not lost on local cricketing bodies. It took Rowdy the best part of a decade to work out the correct order of "Chew", "Moor" and "Brook". Having finally cracked it, the club was renamed Westhoughton 3rd XI - or, as Rowdy prefers to say, "Westhoughton 11 3s".

Kev Hothersall was put at gully for the first time in a recent game. The first edge smashed in his direction left him unsure what to do. And then it hit him.

Doc P's joke "what has 20 legs and can't run?" now has two possible punchlines. The classic "5 dead horses" has now been superseded by "TSJCC 2nd XI if Corey is playing". If Corey isn't playing, the joke obviously changes to "what has 22 legs and can't run?"

Clive has been attempting to get the new repeater scoreboard powered through renewable energy. His efforts to buy solar panels have proved unsuccessful but thankfully Si Marsh has stepped in and will be providing unlimited wind on demand.

"Big" Nathan Hall has been forced to deny rumours that he's set for a part in the remake of Boogie Nights. This follows news that the 1st XI slip cordon had recently observed Nathan's much improved length in 2026.

Speaking of Nathan, his attempts to grow a Donald Trump like overhanging fringe have made him very popular with the ladies. Bigly, in fact.

Local youths have been using the front of the club to indulge in the latest trend of taking "nitro" capsules. When asked for comment, one spoke very highly of the club.

Incredible scenes were registered at the Meadows earlier this summer when Tom Richards got on his hands and knees and kissed his helmet in massive celebration at finally getting his scoring rate in excess of 1 per over.

Plans to install new netting at the clubhouse were finally stymied this week when Dickie P ran out of trees to chop down.

Amidst rumours of a return, and due to his fondness for getting dressed in private, the club will be adding a new room in 2027. We'll have the home changing rooms, the away changing rooms and the Awais changing rooms. (1940s comedy sends its apologies)

Cricket Chairman Mike Watts took on the mantle of first team skipper at Unsworth in the first game of the 2020 season. After leading the club to a huge win he declared that he was the right man for the job, everyone needed to pull their weight, and promptly disappeared to the golf course for the remainder of the season.

What do Stu Hunter and the contaminated Island Lodge have in common? They both feature 55 ball ducks.

The club's ongoing youth recruitment drive has proved a great success, with George Green and the 82 year old Duncan Phillips arriving at Totty in recent times. The club proudly expects similar success in 2027, and is installing a stairlift to the changing rooms just in case.

Following shocking allegations that he is number and statistic obsessed, the Doc has pointed out this is only true in 74.2% of his appearances to date.

Hot on the heels of the popular new kit sales, Micky Jones is launching his own clothing range for 2027. If you'd like a leopardprint thong, please see Jonesy asap. (this joke copyright 2010)

Big Bird Russ Brooks is a monster in all departments. He was recently approached during a night out and asked if he was "all in proportion". "Madam," replied Russ, "if I was all in proportion, I'd be 9 foot 6!" (this joke copyright 1988)