Rumour Mill

Rowdy Hill A collection of rumours and myths surrounding the players, followers and legends of TSJCC. Some of what you are about to read is true, other parts are complete fabrication. What is true, and what is not? YOU decide!

Club developments planned for early 2021 include a new picket fence, better training facilities, and the Richard Peacock Bluebell Garden.

Suggestions that the club's COVID preparedness has been exemplary were recently shattered when Hayesy admitted he couldn't get to grips with the Track and Trace system. "My memory isn't what is was, so I'm rubbish at tests", he moaned, "plus I haven't done any tracing since primary school!"

Rick Carr has fallen out with the club in a row about money. It transpires that TSJCC are the only organisation within a 10 mile radius that haven't put him on furlough during 2020.

Rowdy Yates has answered intense speculation as to what exactly he has been sticking up his jumper each week: "It's a different object every week - items next year will include a beach ball, a coffee maker, and the entire DVD box set of Harry Potter."

After the mighty efforts of Captain Tom Moore in walking 100 miles during lockdown, we'd like to point out that James Peacock should be given the freedom of Rossendale as he's covered approximately 1.4 million miles on his mower; his dad was stood in a 10 foot ditch near the pavilion the entire time.

Irony is clearly not lost on local cricketing bodies. It took Rowdy the best part of a decade to work out the correct order of "Chew", "Moor" and "Brook". Having finally cracked it, the club was renamed Westhoughton 3rd XI - or, as Rowdy prefers to say, "Westhoughton 11 3s"

Clive has been attempting to get a new scoreboard powered through renewable energy installed for next season. His efforts to buy solar panels have proved unsuccessful but thankfully Si Marsh has stepped in and will be providing unlimited wind on demand.

"Big" Nathan Hall has been forced to deny rumours that he's set for a part in the remake of Boogie Nights. This follows news that the 1st XI slip cordon had recently observed Nathan's much improved length in 2020.

Local youths have been using the front of the club to indulge in the latest trend of taking "nitro" capsules. When asked for comment, one spoke very highly of the club.

Incredible scenes were registered at Heywood earlier this summer when Tom Richards got on his hands and knees and kissed his helmet in massive celebration at finally getting his scoring rate in excess of 1 per over.

Plans to install Sky at the clubhouse were finally stymied this week when Graham Fletcher and Dickie P ran out of trees to chop down.

2020's "bring your own teas" directive saw an interesting array of meal choices. Doc P brought his "Roy Cropper" bag to Heywood, Ste Brooks had an exciting array of gluten-free options, while rumours persist that Mick Proops is the new face of Kiwi Fruit.

Due to his fondness for getting dressed in private, the club will be adding a new room in 2021. We'll have the home changing rooms, the away changing rooms and the Awais changing rooms. (1940s comedy sends its apologies)

Cricket Chairman Mike Watts took on the mantle of first team skipper at Unsworth in the first game of the 2020 season. After leading the club to a huge win he declared that he was the right man for the job, everyone needed to pull their weight, and promptly disappeared to the golf course for the remainder of the season.

What do Stu Hunter and the contaminated Island Lodge have in common? They both feature 55 ball ducks.

The club's ongoing youth recruitment drive has proved a great success, with George Green and the 82 year old Duncan Phillips arriving at Totty in recent times. The club proudly expects similar success in 2021, and is installing a stairlift to the changing rooms just in case.

2020 saw the first father-son-daughter playing combination in the club's history. The Collins' achievement reminds us that in the past few decades we've seen 4 Brooks family members, 6 Parkinsons, 4 Marshs and 4 Kinseys turning out for the club. More scoring there than the 1st XI's top 6!

Following shocking allegations that he is number and statistic obsessed, the Doc has pointed out this is only true in 74.2% of his appearances to date.

Hot on the heels of the popular new kit sales, Micky Jones is launching his own clothing range for 2021. If you'd like a leopardprint thong, please see Jonesy asap. (this joke copyright 2010)

Big Bird Russ Brooks is a monster in all departments. He was recently approached during a night out and asked if he was "all in proportion". "Madam," replied Russ, "if I was all in proportion, I'd be 9 foot 6!" (this joke copyright 1988)

I Will if You Will Biffaward

Beryl Avenue, Tottington, Bury, BL8 3NF
Twitter: @TottyStJohnsCC