Following a shocking new study, Crompton Meadows has been deemed too flat for recreational cricket and has failed the 2021 GMCL ground inspection. Despite efforts by Messrs Peacock and Son to dig up large swathes of the outfield, the recent ground improvements have left us with a field that is officially too level to play amateur sport.

Efforts are now underway to make substantial changes ahead of the 2021 season. With just over two weeks until the official commencement of the new cricketing season, volunteers are now being sought to come down to the Meadows and recreate the famous "hills" which were such a beloved feature of our ground over the past century.

Speaking on behalf of the committee, Clive Brooks noted that where there had once been a 12.4% slope from the football field down to the pavilion, the amazing work by Danvic in the winters of 2017 and 2018 had reduced this to approcximately 0.0001%, a figure only rarely achieved on professional grounds. "What's the point of playing cricket if you can't trip up on a good length or stand 8 feet higher than the batsman at the non-strikers end?" asked the treasurer.

Adding to the woes, the large drop from the new raised patio down to the playing surface has been deemed a safety hazard following the consumption of more than 1 unit of alcohol (or 2 bottles of J2O), and so the new slope will begin here. The committee is expected to commission the purchase of around 4.2 million tons of topsoil to recreate the slopes and hills which graced our ground up to mid-2017.

Richard Peacock also pointed out that the new fence would also need to be uprooted, despite only being installed an dpainted in recent days. "At least it'll give me something else to set fire to," he added, grinning widely.

Artists impression of the new surface

Artists impression of the new surface

I Will if You Will Biffaward

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